Saturday, November 7, 2015

Shall we not go on?

Its been a long time since I have posted a blog. Specifically I have waited to comment on the LDS church's decision to include same-sex couples in the exclusive group of people in the world, who are immediately considered to be apostate. One of the gut punching blows in this new addition to church policy is the restriction of children being baptized. For those who don't know, the people who are also restricted from baptism under their countries legal age of adulthood are Muslims, Polygamists and people whose parents who are not members,  refuse their dependents baptism to occur. I say gut punching because this policy is hard to stomach and hard to believe. My first reaction was over all shock at the decision and to be honest I was confused. I have asked myself these questions over and over again all weekend. Here are the hard thought out, soul tearing conclusions I have come to. Please keep in mind these are all of my own opinions and in no way reflect the official position of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints.

Why would these blessings be denied?

The blessings of baptism are so great. And lets be honest what eight year old really fully understands what they are getting into when they go though the motions of being baptized? Now that's not to say that there aren't eight year old's who fully understand their baptismal covenants. But under that same argument does it matter what eight year old child, regardless of family setting, has the ability and capacity to deny and fully understand their families disapproval or acceptance when they are or aren't baptized? For me I would not have been baptized when I was eight. Similarly there are people who prepare to go on a mission regardless of there spiritual worthiness often do so because its what they are supposed to do and again go through the motions. Outside of the church, when you get into converting people who are Muslim or a Polygamist or even in a polyamorous relationship for that matter, a same sex cohabitant relationship or marriage children who wish to be converted must wait till they are eighteen in the US and have special permission from a member of the quorum of the twelve apostles. This rule means that one must wait till they are the legal age of their country so they may denounce their family's way of life safely. I don't know about you but that would suck being an eighteen year old, especially being eight. The mental destruction that can happen is so detrimental to an individual and therefore disrupts a family. In my opinion, the church has decided to include children in this category for this purpose. The church puts a huge emphasis on the family functioning at its best. The LDS church has expressed on several occasions that the Family is central to the plan of happiness. I believe that a family regardless of religion or sexual orientation should function for the benefit of all involved and while I do believe that all people are entitled to these blessings, I cant help but agree that a child who is baptized in one of these situations, I believe, can cause detrimental consequences to the family as a unit and the child's mental well being.

What did Jesus say?

One of my most favorite scriptures is John 13:34, 35. "A new commandment I give unto you. That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. 35) By this small all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." Obviously this meas that we all need to love one another as Christ him self loves us. In Matthew 8, 8-13, Matthew tells the story of how Christ healed a Centurions servant. For those who don't know a Centurion can be compared to a modern day Lieutenant in the military.  The Centurion came to Christ and said (8)"Lord, I am not worthy that thou shouldest come under my roof: but speak they word only, and my servant shall be healed." One of the things that I marvel about this Centurion is that he was considered a Gentile and was not eligible for baptism during Christs mortal ministry. However Christ him self said to the man and the men that followed him, (10) "Verily I say unto you, I have not found so great faith, no, not in Israel." Christ him self said that this man was extremely faithful for only wanting the lord and knowing that by Christ saying so his beloved servant would be healed. Christ went on to say (11) "And I say unto you, that many shall come from the east and west, and shall sit down with Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob, in the kingdom of heaven." In this scripture I think he is speaking of a latter day, in which men and woman from all over the world shall come to know the blessings Abraham, or in other words our day and age. He then goes on to say (12) But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be a weeping and gnashing of teeth." But wait... didn't he also say in Luke 18:16 "But Jesus called them unto him, and said, suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God." if we keep reading after the parable of the rich man in Luke 18:29,30 "And he said unto them, Verily I say unto you, there is no man that hath left house, or parents, or brethren or wife, or children, for the kingdom of God's sake, (30) Who shall not receive manifold more in this present time, and in the world to come life everlasting." Christ loved all men during his life on earth and continues to love all people in his everlasting life. He also reserved the right to baptize people who he felt would not be able to, for what ever reason, live up to in mind body and spirit, their covenants and obviously continues to do so. However he never ever ever ever ever excludes someone from the blessings of his gospel. The Centurion had to wait till Peter's ministry to be baptized so he could fulfill his covenants not because of anything he did or what he believed but because the lord set a standard. So to must people in out day painfully and woefully wait to fulfill the lords modern day standard and like the scripture in Luke they too shall obtain the kingdom of god.

How do I feel and What do I think?

I believe that in 1820 a boy named Joseph Smith saw God our eternal father and his son our savior and redeemer Jesus Christ. My testimony is not one that came from my parents, a church leader, or any of my close friends. While there council was listened to and more often than not, not followed my belief in Joseph Smith Jr.s testimony and prophetic restoration of Christs mortal ministerial church, was formed at the end of the stinging whip of sacrifice, and through the Refiners fire did I emerge wanting to believe in a God that could and does answer my prayers specifically for me and knows and loves me specifically. Because I believe in Joseph and the love that I have for my church, and the sustaining vote that I offer up every six months in General Conference for all of the local and general authorities of the church, I stand by their decision. God loves all his children and wants them all to receive the blessings of eternal life. But this does not mean that I do not ask WHY these things happen. I think that the placement of same-sex marriage under apostasy does not mean that the leaders of the church think that same-sex couples are murderers or rapists. It means that the lords standard has not been met. And to me that is sad. It is sad there the lord doesn't allow all people to partake in the blessings equally. The lord does things in his own time and in his own way, based upon eternal principles. One of these principals is known as free agency or in other words our ability to do and believe what we want, however it does not mean that we dictate our consequences for our actions. The lord also does that based on eternal principals.

In my time as a Morman I have been called a sheep without the ability to build my own opinion. I have been called so many things that differ from what I truly am. A man who believes in a loving god who has formed his own beliefs through thorns and thistles, through tears and trials. I have suffered through losing close friends and making enemies along the way. The only thing that has ever remained constant is that I know with a surety that this church is lead by men called of god, who respond to his words and teachings. They do what he asks. They are always ready to be spit on and scourged by the modern day opinions that dictate popular positions because they believe in what they are fighting for. Joseph was tared, feathered, hunted and murdered, for what we believe. What ever your beliefs are I hope you have the same conviction that he did and stand up for what you believe in. Because at the end of the day all that matters is what is between you and God.

(PS Sarah wasn't awake to edit this so sorry if the grammar stinks)

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Terms And Conditions Apply

I have been thinking a lot lately about the Ordain Women movement that has been trending in the news. I have been reading blogs and status posts and the comments attached to them, and I have decided to add my two cents to see if I can help answer some of the questions that have been posed. While this blog post is not approved by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I will be quoting publications from the Church and its leaders. I’ll do my best to reference them as I go; however, I will be focusing on the talk given by Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles this last General Conference session titled “The Keys and Authority of the Priesthood”.
In my life, the Lord has always blessed me with the answers to questions before I could ask them. He has always known how to give me the answers in a way that I understand. Recently, I had the aspiration to join the Navy. Now if you knew me during this time of my life, you know that I was two signatures away from a 60 month commitment. During the whole process, I never thought to seek the Lord’s counsel, because I felt an extreme sense of duty, passion, and joy in joining the armed forces. However, after some intense family discussions, I took my questions to Him. I asked what would be best for me, my family and my future posterity. After two weeks of listening and praying, I was certain what the answer would be. As you can expect the answer was no and the pain of sacrifice set in. Since then my extended family has seen some difficult challenges/ It is now clear to me that I have been needed more at home than at sea. The point of this story is that the lord knew what was best for me and where I was needed.
This was an extremely important lesson for me to learn. As a husband, son, and brother, as member of the human family, I have the responsibility to help those in need. More importantly, I have the priesthood responsibility to teach the gospel of Jesus Christ and assist my fellow man in understanding that gospel. In the April 2014 General Conference Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, “Defend your beliefs with courtesy and with compassion, but defend them.”  
Unfortunately from time to time, there can be a confusing, gray area in some people’s interpretation of gospel of Jesus Christ. With the help of modern day prophets we can clear up some of that gray area. While studying this issue in particular, women being ordained, I have come across some solid, but harsh, answers from the teachings of those leaders. I am sorry to say this is not a gray issue.
 Early in Elder Oak’s talk he states, “President Joseph F. Smith described the priesthood as ‘the power of God delegated to man by which man can act in the earth for the salvation of the human family.’” In this statement, President Smith says the “priesthood was delegated to man.” Elder Oaks continues, “The understanding we seek begins with an understanding of the keys of the priesthood. ‘Priesthood keys are the authority God has given to priesthood [holders] to direct, control and govern the use of His priesthood on earth.’” I would like to stress “His priesthood” and again “delegated to man”.  “As Elder M. Russell Ballard has explained, ‘Those who have priesthood keys… Literally make it possible for all who serve faithful under their direction to exercise priesthood authority and have access to priesthood power.’”
Let me explain that a little. All worthy men in the church who are ordained to the priesthood are given the authority to use what we, as members of the Church, believe to be the power of the Almighty himself. The same power he delegated to be used in the creation of the universe. The same power Moses used to part the red sea. The easiest way for me to understand it is like a tree. The trunk is the priesthood itself, and there are different branches with different abilities. There is one to heal, one to create,  and raise the dead, and each of these branches, for the sake of explanation, can be equated to the keys of the priesthood.
Elder Oaks said of priesthood keys, “Ultimately, all keys of the priesthood are held by the Lord, Jesus Christ, whose priesthood it is. He is the one who determines what keys are delegated to mortals and how those keys will be used. We are accustomed to thinking that all of the keys of the priesthood were conferred on Joseph Smith in the Kirtland Temple, but the scripture states that all that was conferred there were ‘the keys of this dispensation’ (D&C 110;16.) At General Conference many years ago, President Spencer W. Kimball reminded us that there are other priesthood keys that have not been given to man on the earth, including the keys of creation and resurrection.”
When my wife and I got married in the temple, we had the extraordinary opportunity for my grandfather to perform the sealing ordinance. That ordinance is another one of the branches of that tree of the priesthood delegated to man in these later days. My grandpa is specifically called to perform those marriage ordinances to one specific temple. However when we got married, we chose a different temple than the one he is assigned to. My grandpa had to receive special written permission from the president of the church and the president of the temple to perform our sealing, because he was not authorized to perform that ordinance in any other temple without that special permission. The purpose of this example is to show there is an order to the priesthood.
This is where it gets tough. “The First Presidency and the council of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve, who preside over the Church, are empowered to make many decisions affecting church policies and procedures—matters such as the location of church buildings and the ages for missionary service. But even though these presiding authorities hold and exercise all of the keys delegated to men in this dispensation, they are not free to alter the divinely decreed pattern that only men will hold offices in the priesthood.”  He continues “…since the scriptures state that ‘all other authorities [and] offices in the church are appendages to this [Melchizedk] priesthood’ (D&C 107;5), all that is done under the direction of those priesthood keys is done with priesthood authority.”  
Let me touch briefly on two of the appendages of the priesthood, the Melchizedek and the Aaronic. The Aaronic is considered the lesser of the two priesthoods that men hold. Young men who are worthy receive the authority of the Aaronic priesthood assist in the daily ward and stake operations. And men receive the Melchizedek priesthood authority when they become of age and are worthy assist in the daily operations of the family, and spiritual needs such as blessings. Elder Oaks said this of the Relief Society: “… President Smith said again and again that women have been given authority. To the women he said, ‘You can speak with authority, because the Lord has placed authority upon you.’ He also said that the Relief Society ‘[has] been given power and authority to do a great many things. The work which they do is done by divine authority.’” He goes on to explain the women do this great work under the direction of the bishop who holds the keys specific to that direct area. Oaks continued, “Thus, it is truly said that Relief Society is not just a class for women but something they belong to –a divinely established appendage to the priesthood. We are not accustomed to speaking of women having the authority of the priesthood in the Church callings, but what other authority can it be?”
It can be said, with the quote above supporting it, that the Relief Society is the third appendage of the Lord’s priesthood. Gordon B. Hinkley said this of women, “You are an absolutely essential part of [heavenly father’s] plan. Without you the plan could not function. Without you the entire program would be frustrated. …When the process of creation occurred, Jehovah, the Creator, under instruction from His Father, first divided the light from the darkness, and then separated the land from the waters. There followed the creation of plant life, followed by the creation of animal life. Then came the creation of man, and culminating that act of divinity came the crowning act, the creation of woman.” Women are the crowning creation of this plan of salvation.
Elder Holland said, “Sadly enough, my young friends, it is a  characteristic of our age that if people want any gods at all , they want them to be gods who do not demand much. Comfortable gods, smooth gods who not only don’t rock the boat but don’t even row it, gods who pat us on the head, make us giggle, then tell us to run along and pick marigolds. Talk about man creating God in his own image!”  While this statement is harsh, it is true. Our Father has made this decree. He has created all things in a specific order so that imperfect people have a direct and clear idea how to run the church.
In this post I am not saying don’t think or ask questions. Ask the hard questions and seek your own answers through prayer and scripture study. Seek them out through other publications that have been given to us for our own personal study. Search the source of any publication for truth, and last of all, do not hesitate to pray to the Lord for the answer to the hard questions. He lives and continually gives us direction. Seek Him out, and He will find you.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Where love and hate collide.

This blog post has taken me a while to  rough out the edges. Simply because I want to express my beliefs wich might be ofencive to others. Tday my restless mind comes from the controversial subject of homosexuality. Before you continue reading I want you to know that this post is one hundred percent my opinion. I do not base this blog to promote or degrade any person, group, or party. My intention is to simply express what I belive to be true.

I have lived what some would call an eventfull life. During my many adventures of youthful indiscretion I've learned a great deal of what it means to have your heart broken and stepped on. I know how awful it is to look a loved one in the eye and only recieve the hollow stare of disappointment. I know how it feels to be treated like a broken member of society. I have walked through fire to know what it means to be happy. And still through all of my experience with the world nothing has troubled me quite like this. No subject has ever taken so much thought and careful expression of my opinion.

Many if you who will read this are close friends and relatives. And many of you know that I am a meber of the LDS church. So to begin I want to get this elephant out if the way. Here is a statement that the LDS church gave on Homosexuality "The Church’s doctrinal position is clear: Sexual activity should only occur between a man and a woman who are married. However, that should never be used as justification for unkindness. Jesus Christ, whom we follow, was clear in His condemnation of sexual immorality, but never cruel. His interest was always to lift the individual, never to tear down."  This is the clearest and most plain statement that I could find about how the church feels. Those of you who know me, know that I am a loving person. Many times I have expressed in tears the amount of love that I have for  freinds who are gay. While I do not agree with his/her life choices I do know that they are happy. Who am I to judge a peraons happiness or their capacity to love?

At this point in my life I am extremely happy. I have been married to the woman of my dreams for two years now. I am a firm beliver that family is the key to happiness. I know this because my family is one of the most unconventional families on the face of the planet and we still all love eachother and always find happiness in each other's company. Many prominent gay couples have the same joy, love and happiness that I enjoy in my marriage. I also believe that love is an eternal quality.  I belive that love lives on after death. I belive that family's will be togther in the eternitys through their faithfulness on earth. "Because the Church believes that the sacred powers of procreation are “to be exercised only between a man and a woman lawfully wedded as husband and wife … any other sexual relations, including those between persons of the same gender, undermine the divinely created institution of the family.” Accordingly, the Church favors measures that define marriage as the union of a man and a woman. However, “protecting marriage between a man and a woman does not remove Church members’ Christian obligations of love, kindness and humanity toward all people." For the past few weeks now I have been struggling on where to plant my feet on this issue. I have to be clear. I firmly belive that the joy we receive from satisfying the desires of our body is only a brief happiness that can only exist on earth.

Do I belive that there is inequality in the legality of marriage? Yes. If two people, who are gay want to be joined by law, let them do so and enjoy the benefits the state and federal governments offer. I belive that to refuse somebody service because of their sexual orientation is the peime example of discrimination.  I belive gay men and women should be afforded the same privileges straight couples do when it comes to adoption and other medical or social programs. 

In the end if it all I believe that the way to hapoiness on this earth is through a loving family. A family that is based on positive values and one where expressions of individual passions can be cultivated. I believe that all people are free to choose for them selfs who they are in this world. I would hope that you do not confuse my tolerance with acceptance toward homosexuality. I belive that the way to eternal happiness is through the faithfulness of each individual to the teachings and commandments of the almighty. He will be the one to decide our fate.

John 13: 34, 35
34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.
35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.


Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Im a fighter

Well its been quite some time since my last post. But tonight I find my self restless again. Im a recovering addict. Many of my friends and family know that during high school I was addicted to smoking weed and drinking. Its funny to think that iv been sober from illicit substances and alcohol for the last five years but iv only been legally able to drink for two. However tonight I want to blame my sleeplessness on a much different addiction, Pornography.

Yes its true. Me, im a recovering addict of the new drug. I was first exposed when I was twelve by my brothers friend and almost eleven years later I still fight the urge. I've been clean for almost three years now.  But still every day and every night I fight. My addiction is so bad and my brain so warped that at random points in the day I begin to crave it. I begin to reason with my self about why its not a bad thing. My brain has been rewired to expect the endorphins and pleasures.  I fight day in and day out.

There is a saying "everybodys got a dark side", while im not sure where this quote comes from I do know that my dark passenger is who ever tries to tell me porn is ok. This new drug is so poisonous that it, for a time altered my own perception of love. Like a smoker, my taste had become dull and the only way it could be repaired was to quit. So I did. And I can say that my wife Sarah is the best thing to ever happen to me. She is my foundation for life. I love her more now than I ever have. After quitting porn my love grew to new hightes and had no boundries for anybody. 

Life is to short to be wasted on our own personal pleasures. Love and devotion belong to people who we can see and touch. Not to digital people on a screen who are the apitomy of a lie. Our love should be shared where it can be reciprocated and not cut short due to our own desire.

After two years of nothing, my restless night has brought me back to again share a part of me that not a lot of people know. My intention is not to flash the error of my ways, but to again let others know, you are not alone.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

There's no place like home

We all have been faced with choices that at the time seem a little steep. Those of you who are seasoned with age know that it is these types of decisions that people tend to regret. People look back on there lives and say "If I had just stuck with plan A then my life would be better." or "If I would have listened to them I would be happy." From the people that I have talked to or heard about, the decisions that they regret seem to be blamed on somebody else who influenced there choice. All though, some know that they are responsible for the choice and have made the best of the outcome. But others don't claim responsibility for the regretful choices they have made. They continually blame others for things that go wrong in there life. Or those that feel entitled to what ever they please, and complain about how others live in peace.

Change is a funny thing. Everybody involved in an individuals life are effected by the change in a small or large way. And because people are effected they deserve to know why things happen. This reason is mainly why I started this blog. It was because I felt people deserved a right to know why I had come home from my mission. Before I left I didn't care at all about what people thought about me or what I did. But for some reason when I came home that is all I cared about. Was the simple approval of people whom I love. But now I see that none of that matters. I know that the people I love, love me and want what is best for me. But what they want for me, is drifting farther and farther from what I want. They tell me to make the right choice because it was the right choice for them. And it brought them happiness, a choice that they didn't regret. They want me to be happy and to make similar choices that they made because it made them happy. The only person that knows what will make me happy is me. I know what choices I will regret and what ones I wont. I have always been able to accept responsibility for my choices.

By now if you haven figured it out, I'm choosing to stay home. Not because I no longer have faith. In fact it is just the opposite. Never before in my life have I been closer to my God. Before I answer your question of why, I want to ask a few questions of my own. Do you believe that before we came to earth, we all made individual plans with our father in heaven? Do you believe that we had a plan A, but if failed we would be given several alterations to that plan so that we could be as happy as possible? Do you believe that although we had alterations it is still plan A? That because we are imperfect people trying to follow a perfect plan, we fall short of our Fathers expectations, and he still tries his hardest to make us happy? Do you believe that no matter what our choices are, as long as we have the lord on our side we have made the right choice? I believe that the choice that I am making is right for me. I know for a fact that I will not regret doing this. I will not regret staying home. I know the blessings that come from serving, I know the ins and outs of a mission. I just need people who love me to understand.

Im choosing to stay home because I know that this is where I'm supposed to be. Here with my family, my friends, this ward and its members. I know that I need to stay because I feel the lords plan for me has been altered. Although you may feel otherwise, please remember that this decision is mine to make. This is what I want and I know that this will make me happy. There is something here that I need to learn. I am at another stage in my life and a mission is not apart of it. Im sorry if I am disappointing you in this decision. But please understand that this is what will make me happy. Please understand.

Monday, April 25, 2011

"We are such things as dreams are made of"

Remember when we were kids, and any thing seemed possible? We could fly an ice cream truck in space. We could fight dragons in a far off place. Our toys came to life when we weren't looking. We were the captains of our imagination. We didn't need a book to show us how to cast a spell, or to steer a boat into uncharted waters. Our own minds took us to far off places where we were kings and queens. We saved a the princess, or were saved by prince charming. We did not doubt our selfs. We were not shy to meet people, nor to ask silly, politically incorrect questions. Today we no longer have time to save the world, even for a small moment. We live bound by expectations of others and by rules of society. We are so afraid to leave our areas of comfort to go and find our adventure, that it passes us by. Most of us will never gain the courage to chase it down and grab it by the horns. Our lives have become so up tight to our routine we forget to look around and notice the beauty of imagination around us. Because we are bound by these things we begin to doubt our selfs and our potential to live to life to the fullest.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a night like Sir. Lancelot. I wanted to hunt evil witches and creatures. When I got a little older I wanted to be like Batman. Fighting off the Joker, and the Riddler. My mom would often tell me that my imagination was so big it would one day be apart of my carrier. I took this to heart. I wanted to make movies. I wanted to be apart of a world where my imagination could come to life. I wanted to write several books about my adventures as a kid. Sometimes when I'm driving in the car with Sar, I normally spit out one of my move or book ideas. Being the wonderful person she is, she always listens and tells me that it would be a good movie, or that it has already been done before. I still have a long way to go before I get to the silver screen, but it is a dream I intend to fulfill. No limitations that I have placed on me now will prevent me from achieving this.

Rising to meet our own expectations is one of the hardest things we can do. For me it usually always seems like an unachievable goal. I always feel like I can improve and do better, even when I have given it my all. Greatness is not handed out, or found. It is achieved through struggle and pain. We do not achieve our dreams by expecting them to come true. We must have a need for them to come true, and only we can develop that need. Many people in my life have taken the discouraging, harmful words of others to heart, and believed them. Believed that God doesn't speak to his children, or that they will never find love, or they are worthless, or finding education is worthless. They have believed and fallen into the ocean and have begun to drift away from shore. Some are so far out to sea, that they may never come back. One in particular has followed their heart and decided to better their life. The hard part is to watch this person struggle through this painful trial to regain what they once could have had. To many throw everything away for the deadly, falsely relaxing puff of a cigarette, or the bitter taste of alcohol.

We must find our true potential and live up to our dreams and expectations. Become who we want to be, not to settle for who were are told to be. Do not let the opinions of others, family or friend, get you down, or pull you away from your goal. Have a "why" for everything that you do. Understand why you do the things you do. What you put in is what you get out of life. Don't be afraid to fight your own metaphorical dragon. Enjoy the little things in life. If you are struggling with this, "Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road. Like a lightning bolt and when its time to blow, your heart will know, you just gotta ignite the light and let it shine, just own the night like the fourth of July." And the next time your out side, pause and look around. Notice who we as a people have become. And remember what expectations this country was founded on. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" 

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Save a glass for me

I have always wondered where I would be when I was married and had kids. What kind of job I would have. Where I would be living. Who I would know, or who would know me. If I would be a part of somebodies people, or if I would have my own people. Or maybe even both. One question has never had the ability to be answered. Will I be in love?

I have always grown up with many role models. But where mine are different from others, mine were role models that had shown me what not to be. Of course, I did have those who were fantastic and I want to model parts of my life after what they had taught me. The fact still remains, I have modeled my self after no one. I have shaped my personality by seeing where the faults in others are. I am human, so I too have my rough edges. Believe me some of them are razor sharp. One in particular is my inability to let things go. I dwell on what has already been solved. I search for reasons to destroy what progress I have already made, in forgiving others. Perhaps this is my way of full proofing my resolve.

Sar and I love each other. No doubt about that. I only wish I could tell just how much I really do. Leaving her behind was so hard for me. But I'm sure getting left behind was even harder. Its funny how we as humans go through our lives counting on something or someone to always be there, but when it is gone, we are surprised. We are surprised at how much we need that one thing that will get us through out day. A simple swig of a coffee, or a simple "good morning." This may sound like an addiction to you, but to me, knowing that I can wake up in the morning and hear from the one person who means more to me than anything in this life. Its an 'ah ha' moment. When we honestly know that we need it. Not to survive by any means. But to live.

Moving through life we find our selfs in situations that test our faith, love, compassion, relationships, and trust. These things get shaken, or as my dad prefers stirred. We are tested to our breaking point. We get stretched so far and so thin we tend to give up right before the test ends. Life sucks. We all want to go back to a better day. Well maybe you do. I just want to move on. I want to move forward with my life. I'm sick of being in this preparing to go on a mission phase.  To be honest I want to be with Sar right now. But due to religious and social expectations I can't be.

Forward motion is essential to life. We need it. Change, we need it. This is how we become better. Its how we become new. To answer my question, I will be in love. I now know I will. I will not be settling. I am and forever will be in love. I don't care what you think about that. I'm twenty years old. I'm young and stupid. I make lots of stupid, immature, irrational decisions. I know with out a doubt in my mind that allowing the change in me to happen, for me to be able to fall in love with Sar, was and still is the best decision I have ever made, and will ever make. I'm choosing to move forward with my life. For those of you wanting to go back to a better day, save a glass for me. Ill be back to get it. Only for the pure satisfaction that I have tasted better that what I had.